One year ago today my best friend died
One year ago today my mom died
One year ago today my Aunt died.

It seems utterly ridiculous that she is not alive. WHAT? How can that be? I could have never pictured my life without her. I used to tell her that i would have a room for her in my house when i got married.

And i was serious.


I can't explain to you what it feels like to have the person you love most be taken. It really truly is... unexplainable. Let's just say i think about her every day as though i will see her tomorrow, as though i HAVE to tell her that funny story, or sit and have a conversation about God, brown bread and Tom Bombadil.

Pat had a long list of illnesses and unfortunate medical mishaps throughout her life. She had meningitis twice, each time she should have died. She had breast cancer in her late twenties, tendonitis in both her wrists, suffered from depression and a broken ankle, to name a few.

And she was utterly in love with Jesus.

I love her so much.

Pat had lived with my family since i was born. She was ridiculously more than an aunt. She was everything. Pat was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer in 2005. A measly 3 years later she passed. I NEVER thought she would die. When i found out she had cancer, i knew she would live through it. It never came to mind that she would be a true victim of cancer. I just always thought that for the rest of her life she would be saying "i'm a cancer survivor".
Pat and i were the only one's left at the house since she got cancer. I was her caretaker. I drove her to Chemotherapy every week, i'd get to my first class late from dropping her off at Loma Linda Medical Center, and i'd leave school early to pick her up. She couldn't drive anymore. We went on vacation in the summer of 2006 to San Diego. Just her and i. We went to the Animal Park and Seaworld. She couldn't walk anymore. But she was too proud to admit it and i made her rent a wheelchair. She didn't want me to have to be bothered with pushing her around. But it's the only thing i wanted to do. I wanted her to have a good time. She sat on the side of the boats at the Maritime Museum, and let me explore as long as i wanted. We would go buy books together and read on the porch in the summer. We would eat dinner together, just her and i, every night. She loved the brown bread from Coco's, and she knew the waiter's name. She loved the color green, light houses and the Apostle Paul. Her favorite Christmas movie was Die Hard and she loved to play "Air Karate". I watched her suffer everyday from the side effects of drugs and therapy.
Her love was at a magnitude i could never begin to describe.
She loved to laugh. She was the cutest, funniest, loveliest woman on the earth.

I remember just a little over a year ago, my mom calling me, letting me know that Pat's doctor said she only had a few months to live. And told me "Don't tell Pat".

About one month after finding out i had had little time to talk and be with her, she had a stroke. The stroke took away her mobility and her speech. I walked into the hospital, and she didn't know my name. My heart broke. That whole next week i was determined to help her recover. We got a picture frame with all five of the kids' pictures in it with our names written below each person. And i helped her learn all our names again, and what name goes with which person. I would lay on the hospital bed with her and she would stroke my hair with her little hand. One day i had her try and read out of the bible. And she was doing it. She was reading. She was so happy. No one could read like Pat. She would read The Lord of the Rings Trilogy every single year, and a novel every two days. So when she was reading out of Matthew, she was happy.
That same night she had another stroke. The next morning she didn't know who i was.
Eventually she was able to come home. She would blabber when she spoke. She was aware, she just couldn't say what she wanted to. No one understood her, and you could see her frustration. When i would see her, i could tell she was more relaxed, like she finally felt someone understood her. Because i did. My mom said i was the only one who could interpret her gibberish for actual questions, her noises for jokes. That's because she was my best friend. I knew her voice inflections anywhere.
I love Jesus, i trust Him. I know His plan is ultimate. I never questioned why this was happening to her. But it was hard.
I watched her, everyday for three years go from perfect health to a body. I watched her die.
But her love and faith were so great. She never gave up on Him, she never stopped loving Him.
She is my inspiration.

I didn't mean for this to be terribly sad. It's just the truth.
Pat died the day after my birthday last year, 2008.
When i got the call, i was finally relaxed. I was calm. I was happy.
I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to be her right now. I know that she is loving it oh, so, much. The thought of her smile and happiness is engrained in me.
I will see her again in a measly 70 years or less. And i can't wait.

Pat had a myspace, i think you should check it out. Get to know her a little.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=22443682

This is what Pat said in response to someone asking her how she felt about her cancer:

"Then I realized what she meant. Since I have cancer how does death affect me since I am a door away from this phenomona--death. I felt stupid giving her my answer, not because I didn't readily understand her question but because of my answer to give her. I told her, "I'm not afraid of death because I know where I'm going to be. I'm going to be with Jesus." I felt simplictic, childish, dorky. At that moment I wished I had used eloquent language. I wanted to say...well, what I really wanted to say...Okay, well I'm not good at using eloquent language. But I know my Savior, "I know in whom I have believed and I'm persuaded that he is able to keep that which I've commited to Him against that day." I've committed my life to Him and although He has allowed cancer I know that He is the Way, The Truth, and the Life. I know He is in control. But how do I feel about death?
You know, it shouldn't be just about how I "feel" about death it should be about eternal life. How do I feel about eternal life? I feel glad about eternal life although I find it difficult to grasp the concept and I find that "feelings" often change. There is one thing I do know and that's where I'm going to be--I'm going to be in eternal life with Jesus.
There is a singing group called Salvador and they sing a song that makes me think of eternal life with Jesus Christ. The name of the song is "How Far Is Heaven?" The singer asks to be taken out of this misery. I know Heaven is not far away for me it's a door away. For me heaven became a door away when I was diagnosed with cancer. Heaven became eternal life with Jesus Christ. How far away is heaven for you?"

And on having to deal with the pain, Pat said:

"You know, it's on days like those that all one can do is look to Jesus and then just keep looking and then stand and keep standing. His grace is sufficient for me."